February 2012
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just saw this little disney channel commercial and this little girl was talking about how she fucking made a scone and it was this long ass thing and then she was like “AND THAT WAS THE TIME I HARVESTED FRUIT AND MADE A DESSERT :)”
and i had the most fucking disgusted and horrified look on my face and said “fuck you” in the most sincere way and walked off it was SO FUCKING...
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After the earth dies, some 5 billion years from now, after it’s burned to a...
– Carl Sagan (via mysticsoul)
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my moms getting married today third times a charm yall
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i just excitedly opened up a tangerine but then it was rotten inside and i whispered “help me…”
i think theres an alien fetus inside im not kidding i saw movement :-(
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the day i meet someone wearing a fedora and a vest and i can stand them is the day hell will freeze over
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dad: *huge text message lecture out of nowhere*
me: whoa alright
dad: Whoa is for horses... "Thank you" is for dads.
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whenever i’m around people i have like this intense urge to say whatever it is i know i shouldnt say and its really crazy it’s like tourettes almost im not kidding
like i had a friend with diabetes and every single time i was around her all i could think was “DONT SAY ANYTHING INSULTING ABOUT DIABETES DONT THINK ABOUT DIABETES DONT TALK ABOUT DIABETES. DONT. STOP IT. YOURE GONNA...
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omfg in sixth grade i drew a picture of samara from the ring and drew a dark black hole ring thing next to her furiously in class and went through like 3 black pens to make it black enough and then i wrote “SEVEN DAYS” and passed it around the class and then some penishole gave it to the teacher and she showed it to the class and was like WHAT IS THIS!!!!!!!!! WHO DID THIS!!!!!!!!!! I...
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me singing: do you think we'll be in love forever
tiff: no.
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Whenever I go to shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving, so...
– Mitch Hedberg (via obsessivecompulsivedelinquencies)
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computer: EA games
me whispering: challenge everything
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